Colin, Emilie & Molly

They make me laugh everyday...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I miss you dad...

Two years and 10 months ago I lost my dad. Cancer finally took over his entire body and we had to say goodbye. You would think that it would be hardest on the day he died and then after. But its not. Its hardest for me from December until February 24th at 0100, which is when we lost him. I can remember everyday leading up to that day. I can also remember telling myself everyday that I will never loose my dad. He will fight this and be that 5% that beats cancer. He will live to be an old crazy man that drives me crazy. He will live to tell me what a great job I am doing as a mom. He will live to see my kiddos grow up and be fantastic. But he didn't and I miss him everyday.
I was pregnant with Emilie when he found out that the cancer was back. I only had Colin so why didn't I go see him everyday? Why didn't I sit and talk to him longer? Why didn't I take more picture of him with Colin? Why don't I have any video's of him? This is why these months leading up to Feb. 24 are so awful. I think of all those things I should have done with and for him.
But, he did get to meet Emilie. She was three weeks old when he passed and I did get a few pictures of him with her. I did get to spend a lot of time with him. He wasn't working in Montana so he was home everyday. I also have to remember that it isn't all about me. The time that I wasn't with him my sister was getting to spend time with him. And when she wasn't with him our mom was with him.
I know how I am feeling is completely normal. That doesnt make it any better. Only time does that.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that writing down how I feel helps my heart not hurt so much. I am also so sorry Ann Marie and mom that you had to read this in the morning. I hope that it doesnt make your day too sad. I love you both very much!
And I miss you dad everyday...

1 comment:

  1. As a friend who has come into your life and really had the honor of getting to know much of your family, close friends, and even some of Doug's family I think about how I never got to meet your dad.

    I have thought about this more probably after Molly was born and as I have had more occasion to see you with you mom and your sister. It has been interesting because of all my friends that I have known without a parent this is probably the first time I have found myself reflecting on it.

    I don't know how the three of you couldn't miss him all in your individual ways and that still hasn't stopped any of you from continuing to live some really exciting lives and all be really good people. Thanks for writing about him and even your regrets. -Sam


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